So this week will be the six week mark for us here in Mayapur. There has so much that has happened and so much going on but thankfully it is all positive. I feel the happiest I have been in a long time, and the truly completely deep down kind of happy. I don’t think I’ll ever want to leave. I never realised how un-happy I actually was back in NZ, and I guess from the outside it seemed I was happy there. I had my son who was growing up well, I had a warm comfortable home (safe from earthquakes – for the time being at least!), I had a great job, awesome friends, a beautiful temple and wonderful devotees surrounding me. Of course everything is not that simple. There were difficulties, that I knew, and wasn’t going to be in any illusion about. I guess I just figured all the good and positive things out-weighed the difficult things, and so that must make me happy right?
At least thats what I believed. I was wrong. Here in Mayapur I am happy. The truly completely deep down kind of happy. The elements are the same - my son is still growing up well, I have a comfortable home, a great job, I’m meeting new and awesome friends, there is a beautiful temple here and of course I have wonderful devotees surrounding me. So what is different? I am in the Dham, thats what. There is something magical in the air, one of those things you hear about and read about, something that is unexplainable but yet it is there. Krsna makes us happy, so therefore if you are in his holy dham, if you are focusing your life towards him, ultimately you will be happy. Why did it take me so long to figure that simple thing out?
The closer I feel to Krsna, the more I realised I’ve wasted so much time. I mean I’ve always known that I was the one that screwed up, the one that did everything against what she knew, even though she knew it was wrong. I was the one that fought that battle as long as I could, I wanted to play with Maya, I wanted to step on the edge of danger and feel the rush of adrenaline as I married a non-devotee, had that glass (or two) of alcohol on nights out, sex before marriage, partying till dawn. In the back of my head I knew it wasn’t really going to make me happy... but I’ve always had this issue with control – people controlling me. I can do what I like godammit, and no one will control me or tell me otherwise.
And so I learnt the hard way. I took one step over the edge of Maya’s dangerous cliff and I’ve felt the fear of almost falling in. I could easily rationalise everything I’ve done and make it seem all okay. “Don’t worry you learn from your mistakes” or “At least you’re taking responsibility for your actions, you’re doing well, don’t blame yourself”. NO. I must blame myself. How could I think what I was doing was okay? Being surrounded in the environment I am now, it seems absurd I would think that is okay. I guess I I broke all the rules, and, just as in a playground or schoolyard, I must take responsibility for my actions and accept the consequences. 27 years old, single mother, married and divorced, completely rollercoaster emotional hate/love relationship with *ahem* certain people, and no idea where to go to from here.
So where do we go when you don’t know where to go? Krsna of course. So straight to the source I go, begging like a lost child to her parents. Radha Madhava have been unbelievably kind to me since I arrived. Ishaan is enrolled in the school, I have a job, some money is coming in from NZ so I can live comfortably, I have wonderful parents who are letting me stay with them, and I am surrounded by the most wonderful devotees. As Mandakini said: “In Mayapur it is so easy to be a devotee.” So that I must be, to the best of my ability. And I must be secure in that, so when I go back to NZ, I can continue to be a devotee easily, with no hesitations and no ifs buts or maybes.
Lets see where the next part of this journey takes me. I am here yes, but Krsna could kick me out at any time. I must be pure in my thoughts, pure in my actions, and completely surrendered to Krsna, and He will take it from there.
Goodbye Maya. Sometimes I think that when I got back home, I might want to dangle my foot over the edge of your danger cliff, feel that adrenaline. But with too many mistakes already behind me, I’m afraid I might fall completely and never be recovered again.
Do I want to let that happen?
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