Servant of Nitai Gaurachandra

Tomorrow morning at 11.45am (NZ time) my sweet Sri Sri Nitai Gaurachandra will be put into the ocean, after suffering badly in the Feb 22 earthquake. They have been so dear to my heart for well over 20 years... words cannot express my loss.


For so long I have taken Them for granted, thinking They will always be there when I need, always smiling at me like I was the purest devotee to walk the earth. We all know of course that I'm not that... but Sri Sri Nitai Gaurachandra watched me from the age of two, watched me go about my life expecting Them to always be there, watched me make mistake after mistake, and yet still always always had an air of forgiveness, and smiled at me no matter what.

But did I use and abuse that? I made so many mistakes and did so many wrongs... yet I just expected full forgiveness from Them? Expected Them to continue smiling back at me like its no problem? Now that They are gone, all I can think about is if I could just change the things I did, change the way I went about things and the decisions I made, maybe They will still be here?

"Dear Nitai Gaurachandra, I miss You so so much. When I first saw You on that February day, just hours after the earthquake, I didn't really register that you weren't going to be around anymore. I was sad yes, but I carried on life post-earthquake, focusing on just myself and barely gave a thought that You were gone.

But this morning I sat in the corner of the room and cried tears I hadn't been able to cry for You up till now. Tears for the mistakes that You watched me make, and the offences I committed to You. Tears for not being able to decorate Your temple room anymore. Tears for the jewellery I never will be able to make for You. Tears for the memories I have. But mostly that I will never be able to see Your wonderful smiles in front of me ever again."



"Such is the mercy of Sri Sri Nitai Gaurachandra that They made you fall in love with them, and then They went away. Now we can cry in separation from Them forever more in this lifetime, and that crying will bring us to Them once more, in a way that we will never be lost to one another again!"-Sri Prahlada




Photographs by Prananath Das

Homage to Gurudeva

A little excerpt from my offering to His Holiness Indradyumna Swami on his Vyasa Puja day, 21st May 2011.

"Dear Srila Gurudeva,

namah om visnu padaya, krsna presthaya bhutale,
srimate indradyumna swamin iti namine

Please accept my most humble obeisances at your lotus feet. All glories to our spiritual father, Srila Prabhupada!

I feel it almost a little inappropriate for me to address you as "Srila Gurudeva", being that I have not been in touch with you for so long, and that somehow I have fallen off the radar. Like I need to earn the right to address you as such. To me though, you have always been Srila Gurudeva in my heart, and it is with that in mind that I write to you.

Firstly Happy Birthday. I remember when we were kids and we'd run around your feet in the upstairs temple presidents office... these moments I cherish and remember fondly. That was when birthdays were a time to celebrate in style by getting out the birthday cards and confetti, the cake and ice cream. In some ways, celebrating your birthday now is no different - now I shower the flower petal confetti towards your photograph, and read you this homage as my birthday card to you.

Since being in Mayapur the last couple of months, I've come to realise how important it is for me to have a spiritual master to guide me through this process of Krsna consciousness. Why did it take me this long to figure out? Why did it take me making so many mistakes and so many blunders to realise this? Why did it take me picking up my whole life and moving to the Holy Dham to realise that I cannot attempt to be a servant of Krsna properly without your guidance? Now I feel like a fool for wasting so much time and energy on such insignificant things, when all that time I could have been listening to gurus instructions to get closer to Krsna. They were there all along - your instructions I mean - I just wasn't able to hear them.

So here I am, palms folded, asking humbly for you to help me towards my journey back to Krsna. I cannot take this road alone, I've already proven that its very easy to be mis-guided and wander in different directions, and I've already been lost for so long. And you Srila Gurudeva, are the best person to ask for such help. Your sole focus is to carry on Srila Prabhupada's mission. To preach. To have kirtan. To read Prabhupadas books. You are leading the way back home to Godhead.... and I am doing my best to follow you."

Shiva Bhakta

Had to share this photo, it was caught without him knowing.

This moment was one of those times when my heart soared for my little devotee boy.

Dress ups

Ishaan had been asking me for weeks if his friend Madhurika from preschool could come over for a play-date, but both myself and Madhurika's mum had just been to busy. Yesterday we finally had her over to play. They watched a little bit of Gopal Krsna, and proceeded to spend the rest of the time dancing and pretending to be Radha and Krsna. Just before I took Madhurika home, they had a talk amongst themselves and made a plan to get their mothers to dress them up to look the part, and meet later at the boat festival to continue dancing. Needless to say I spent the next 20 minutes searching for a yellow cloth to use as Krsna's dhoti, with a very impatient Ishaan jumping up and down next to me "Make sure we get my flute mama, Krsna always has a flute!"

Sometimes I will catch him doing things and my heart will soar - THIS is why I'm so glad we came to Mayapur, to see my son grow up surrounded in such a Krsna Conscious environment, where all he does is dream, read, sing, speak and think about Krsna. Reading Krsna stories and knowing all his favorite pastimes, re-enacting some of them, picking flowers for Krsna, paying obeisances, singing the Nrsimhadeva prayers and the Govindam prayers from start to finish, and reminding me of things I sometimes forget: "Krsna is in our heart isn't He mama? And if we serve Him, we can go to His home and see Him and play all day long can't we mama? Can we pick those flowers for Krsna? He will love them won't he mama"

Sure beats dressing up and pretending to be Ken and Barbie right... ...

Jagannatha of Rajapur

When I went to the Jagannath temple yesterday morning, I saw a small book there - “The Pastimes and History of Lord Jaganntha in Rajapur”. It looked like such a nice book, and I thought some of the stories in there would be fun to read as bedtime stories for Ishaan. There were no copies left there at the Jagannath temple, but I came back to Mayapur and sought it out in the bookshop. Only Rs100... what a bargain for a book packed with nectar!

I read it from cover to cover that afternoon, and although I had heard some of the stories before, I was amazed by every pastime narrated in the book, especially those in the last ten years. Imagine what it must be like to have Lord Jagannath appear in your dream, and smile at you, or chastise you. Imagine how it must feel when you realise that extraordinary thing that happened to you last week/yesterday/today, was actually Lord Jagannatha Himself communicating to you in some way or another. I began to wonder how that could come about for some people so easily and wonder how could I get some of that mercy?

For a start I feel a little uncomfortable asking Jagannath for something, especially something material such as curing a disease or asking for children. I’m not condemning those people who have asked for such things (and gotten results!), each circumstance is different for them, but I just feel like if Jagannath feels I deserve something, He will provide as opposed to me asking. Maybe I don’t deserve that something (whatever it is) and yet I’ll still ask for it? Does that make any sense?

In any case, those were my ponderings yesterday.

So this morning when routinely checking my facebook, someone shared a link about Lord Nrsimhadeva in Mayapur and stories of how he has reciprocated with many devotees.

http://mayapur.com/node/841

I’ve been fascinated, and somewhat fearful of Lord Nrsimhadeva here in Mayapur, especially after reading the story of how he came to the temple. After reading the stories on the facebook link, I again started thinking about asking the Lord for some desires and how I don’t want to be all demanding and asking for this and that... ... but I did have one thing I wanted and had been wanting for a long time.

I want to be close to Lord Nrsimhadeva for the abhiseka on Nrsimha Caturdasi in ten days. Last year I watched the abhiseka of Lord Nrsimhadeva on mayapur.tv with Ishaan and my sister, and this year I want to be there, I want to see it in front of me, clear view. Who knows when I’ll get that chance again? The thing is, the area in from of Lord Nrsimhadeva's altar cannot fit hundreds and hundred of people comfortably, and there are hundreds of people who also want the same thing as me, how can I push in with them just for a glimpse? Especially when I have a small 3 year old who wriggles and squirms and is distracted easily. How will I be able to sit in the sweltering heat with Ishaan, surrounded by every other devotee wriggling closer and closer to me - almost right on top of me - in order to get a better view of the Lord?

So this was my plea Lord Jagannath when I went to Rajapur this afternoon, armed with sweet-rice to offer and folded palms. I begged for the opportunity to sit in front of Ugra Nrsimhadeva on Nrsimha Caturdasi in a couple of weeks, and be able to see His abhiseka clearly with my own eyes. My service to Lord Jagannath in return, would be to bring him sweet-rice the day after every ekadasi (dvadasi) during the time I am living in Mayapur. Am I a fool to ask for something like that, something that only the Lord can decide if I deserve, and expect results?

Once I had finished offering the sweet-rice, I stood at the altar, admiring His chandan-covered face, and the beautiful flower dress we had stayed up late into the night before to make. I listened and sang along to my fathers small kirtan behind me, and continuing to pray to Lord Jagannath to fulfil my wish. After a few moments, the pujari stepped on to the altar and gathered a quite a few garlands from Baladeva's left hand and Subhadra's feet, dropped one over my fathers head, and handed me the rest.

Was this Lord Jagannath’s way of answering me? Will he accept my sweet rice? Will I see the abhiseka? In any case, I shall look forward to seeing Your beautiful big smile every dvadasi...

Jai Jagannath!

Deity photographs courtesy of Muralidhara Priya das

Natabara - Lord of Dance

Uh... so wow. If I'd known what this morning would have been like, I definitely would not have been able to sleep last night.

Every day of Chandan-Yatra there are different veshas, depicting different pastimes of Lord Krsna, for example Nauka Keli (Boat Pastimes) or Vastra Harana (Stealing of Gopis’ Clothes). I had been told about the veshas, and that Radha Madhava are usually dressed according to that particular days pastime but nothing prepared me for this mornings darshan.

Firstly let me remind you that I am in Mayapur, the spiritual capital of the world. Nothing is done in halves here, there are no short-cuts, nothing is simplified.

After greeting Nrsimhadeva (completely covered in chandan I might add) and Pancha Tattva, everyone routinely trooped into Radha Madhava's temple room amidst loud kirtan, awaiting the opening of the curtains. The kirtan continued... and we continued waiting. And waiting... ... And waiting some more. Slowly the room was filling up with more people, and the temperature was unrelenting. The anticipation was killing me! Just open the curtains already!

After what seemed like ages, the left curtain was pushed aside slightly and Bhakti Vidya Purna Maharaj stepped out with a large conch. The kirtan heightened... "Finally!" I thought. After another agonising ten minutes, the kirtan suddenly stopped, and the whole room was silent. A voice came over the the speakers, explaining the Natabara pastime, the story of Radha and Krsna, and how they danced together in the form of a peacock and peahen.

As the narration ended, four older gurukula boys stepped up in front of the altar and lifted their conches up, and on Gurukula Maharaj's indication, they all began to blow. The sound of five conches sounding simultaneously bought the whole temple room to a standstill. Fidgeting stopped. Whispers stopped. Kids running around stopped in their tracks. The women began to ululate louder and louder. There was an incredible air of auspiciousness, We were about to see LORD KRSNA. That is no ordinary thing.

The conch sound ended and the four boys left the front of the altar, only to return a few seconds later with two more boys, and all holding large trays filled with lit ghee lamps. They all stood in a line holding their trays, ready to offer... and suddenly the curtains were pulled back quickly. A few chorouses of jai and haribol! swept through the room, but mostly everyone seemed to be at a loss for words, spellbound by Sri Sri Radha Madhava's beauty. The boys began to offer their trays to the deities, the Govindam prayers began and the sound of peacocks filled the air. If you closed your eyes you could imagine you really were in the spiritual world.

But who would want to close their eyes with such beauty in front of them. The gopis had peacock feathers around their hair, puffed-sleeve dark teal cholis, tiered skirts made with different shades of green and a layer of peacock feathers down the front. Each held a garba stick in their hands, ready to dance, and each had a layer of chandan spread across her forehead. Madhava had a dhoti that curled around His body and flared out to the side, just like the peacocks feathered tail, His body was smeared with chandan, His eyes seeming even more lotus-like, His gopi-dots delicately framing His face, and thick gold bells around His ankles. And Srimati Radharani... where do I begin. Her rich blue skirt fell away from her body, showing off the curves of Her hips, with paisley designs and peacock feather adorning the front and beautifully complimented by Her rich blue choli. She had delicate paisley designs drawn on Her left hand, and was wearing simple gold jewellery and a pink and yellow flower garland. Behind Her head sat an effulgence of peacock feathers, across Her forehead was a cooling layer of chandan, and my most favorite of all - a mask of gopi-dots around Her eyes. Without a doubt She was the most breathtaking I had seen Her dressed. Ever.

The altar was decorated with simple marigold garlands, fairy lights and a few model peacocks sitting in different places. The simplicity of this set and the attention to detail on the deities and the altar were incredible and I couldn't stop staring at Them. "This really must be what its like to be in the spiritual world" I thought. All I wanted to do was pull on one of those tiered green skirts and teal cholis, grab some garba sticks and dance up there with Them. When oh when will that day be mine?

If I was this blown away by day 1, what will be in store for me tomorrow? Or or the next 20 days? The best part is, the day isn't over yet... Boat festival starts in half an hour.

photographs courtesy of Muralidhara Priya das

Chandan Yatra

Tomorrow is Chandan Yatra. I'm excited... and mostly because I love any excuse for another festival! I know of Chandan Yatra of course, but its a fairly new experience for me because of course we don't need to celebrate it in New Zealand - its far too cold even in the summer. Last year I looked on mayapur.com every day during Chandan Yatra to see Madhava's beautiful lotus eyes smiling at me through His chandan paste, wishing I could be there to see Him in person. Just see... Krsna fulfills all desires.

I'm learning fast that practically every second day there is a festival here in Mayapur. And guess what... Chandan Yatra lasts 21 days. Hows brilliant is that. I don't think I'll be able to sleep much tonight.

Painting Lord Jagannath

I've been wanting to paint Ishaan's small Jagannath deities for almost a year now. Its not that He's not already painted, I just feel that in some parts the paint-work looks a little rough, as if They are just the end of some long production line. They probably were - after all my mother got Them for Ishaan almost 3 years ago and judging by some Jagannath deities I've seen down at the boundary wall, they're all exactly the same. I guess I just wanted a more "polished" looking Jagannath, so He can look a little more taken care of, a little more tidy.

Actually when my sister was staying with me in New Zealand, I asked her to paint Them... but the days rolled by and before I knew it she was gone, and Jagannath still hadn't been painted. Now, I'm not really an artist myself, not in the way my sister and father are, and I certainly didn't think I could manage painting these deities in the way I wanted to. (I can be a bit of a perfectionist and I didn't trust myself to get the work done just the way I liked it.Maybe thats why I asked my sister to paint Them - cuz I knew she'd get it just perfect.)

In any case my sister never got round to painting Them last year, and I've kind of been looking at Them a lot in the past 6 weeks or so, pushing myself to just do it. Just paint Them. Admittedly I've been pre-occupied with Srimati Radharani lately, but every time I saw Lord Jagannath's beaming smile, I'd feel a pang of guilt. His smile was un-relenting. "Paint Me".

So this afternoon I finally got out the paints and got started. Firstly I have to paint the white base paint, so I'd have a clean slate to begin my envisioned detailed work, and after two coats of that had dried, I can begin. At the moment, all three deities are just plain white. A completely white canvas ready for me to create something amazing.

The pressure! What if i get it so completely wrong? What if I get most of it done just the way I like it, and then make a mistake at the end? My perfectionist side of me will never forgive myself. What if it just turns into a disaster? Maybe I should've just left all three of Them the way They were... They seemed quite happy painted the old way.

Jagannath's cheeky grin is directed right at me, despite being under two coats of white paint. Not only was I was cocky enough to think I was able to take on this task, I thought it was going to be easy! Is He laughing at me? I guess all I can do now is just close my eyes and paint, and let Jagannath tell me what He wants... Chances are, He'll come out looking just the same as He was before. That'll teach me for thinking I can stick my big nose (or paintbrush) into His business.

Maya's cliff of danger

So this week will be the six week mark for us here in Mayapur. There has so much that has happened and so much going on but thankfully it is all positive. I feel the happiest I have been in a long time, and the truly completely deep down kind of happy. I don’t think I’ll ever want to leave. I never realised how un-happy I actually was back in NZ, and I guess from the outside it seemed I was happy there. I had my son who was growing up well, I had a warm comfortable home (safe from earthquakes – for the time being at least!), I had a great job, awesome friends, a beautiful temple and wonderful devotees surrounding me. Of course everything is not that simple. There were difficulties, that I knew, and wasn’t going to be in any illusion about. I guess I just figured all the good and positive things out-weighed the difficult things, and so that must make me happy right?

At least thats what I believed. I was wrong. Here in Mayapur I am happy. The truly completely deep down kind of happy. The elements are the same - my son is still growing up well, I have a comfortable home, a great job, I’m meeting new and awesome friends, there is a beautiful temple here and of course I have wonderful devotees surrounding me. So what is different? I am in the Dham, thats what. There is something magical in the air, one of those things you hear about and read about, something that is unexplainable but yet it is there. Krsna makes us happy, so therefore if you are in his holy dham, if you are focusing your life towards him, ultimately you will be happy. Why did it take me so long to figure that simple thing out?

The closer I feel to Krsna, the more I realised I’ve wasted so much time. I mean I’ve always known that I was the one that screwed up, the one that did everything against what she knew, even though she knew it was wrong. I was the one that fought that battle as long as I could, I wanted to play with Maya, I wanted to step on the edge of danger and feel the rush of adrenaline as I married a non-devotee, had that glass (or two) of alcohol on nights out, sex before marriage, partying till dawn. In the back of my head I knew it wasn’t really going to make me happy... but I’ve always had this issue with control – people controlling me. I can do what I like godammit, and no one will control me or tell me otherwise.

And so I learnt the hard way. I took one step over the edge of Maya’s dangerous cliff and I’ve felt the fear of almost falling in. I could easily rationalise everything I’ve done and make it seem all okay. “Don’t worry you learn from your mistakes” or “At least you’re taking responsibility for your actions, you’re doing well, don’t blame yourself”. NO. I must blame myself. How could I think what I was doing was okay? Being surrounded in the environment I am now, it seems absurd I would think that is okay. I guess I I broke all the rules, and, just as in a playground or schoolyard, I must take responsibility for my actions and accept the consequences. 27 years old, single mother, married and divorced, completely rollercoaster emotional hate/love relationship with *ahem* certain people, and no idea where to go to from here.

So where do we go when you don’t know where to go? Krsna of course. So straight to the source I go, begging like a lost child to her parents. Radha Madhava have been unbelievably kind to me since I arrived. Ishaan is enrolled in the school, I have a job, some money is coming in from NZ so I can live comfortably, I have wonderful parents who are letting me stay with them, and I am surrounded by the most wonderful devotees. As Mandakini said: “In Mayapur it is so easy to be a devotee.” So that I must be, to the best of my ability. And I must be secure in that, so when I go back to NZ, I can continue to be a devotee easily, with no hesitations and no ifs buts or maybes.

Lets see where the next part of this journey takes me. I am here yes, but Krsna could kick me out at any time. I must be pure in my thoughts, pure in my actions, and completely surrendered to Krsna, and He will take it from there.

Goodbye Maya. Sometimes I think that when I got back home, I might want to dangle my foot over the edge of your danger cliff, feel that adrenaline. But with too many mistakes already behind me, I’m afraid I might fall completely and never be recovered again.

Do I want to let that happen?

Storm coming

Mayapur storms truly are amazing. When I first arrived here, a storm brewed four nights later, while Mandakini and I were walking back from Jaya's school. She told me to head out to my balcony or up to the roof when the rain hits. "There's nothing quite like a Mayapur storm". We quickened our steps home, the wind lifting our dhupattas high in the air as it got stronger.

I got home just before the rain hit, followed Mandakini's advice and sat on the balcony under the cool rain. It was still March, so the weather hadn't been extremely hot, but hotter than my cold NZ body was used to, and the refreshing rain brought my heated body temperature right down. The lighting lit up the sky as if it were day time, making jagged outlines in the sky. "It’s just like you see in the movies", and the thunder was so loud I jumped out of my skin a couple of times. Everything was so much more extreme than I was used to - the wind so strong, the rain so heavy, the lightning so bright, the thunder so loud. I sat out on the balcony for about 15 minutes, soaking up this brilliant welcome to Mayapur.

Every storm since then has been different.

Sometimes you can see it coming when you're swimming in Ganga, or walking back from the temple, and you make a mad dash home to close all the doors and windows so they don't bang loudly back and forth, and grab the washing before the wind steals it away. Sometimes you watch from the windows as that forceful wind thrashes and whips the trees around, and wonder how it is that they don't come crashing down and how is it that everything seems so peaceful and still the next morning. Sometimes you try to capture the awesome-ness on camera, video, anything, so you can share with everyone how awesomly awesome it is! Sometimes you simply stand under the rain on the balcony, and close your eyes, thanking Krsna for the small relief from the extreme heat you've been struggling with all day.

Tonights storm happened quickly, or perhaps I just didn't see it coming this time. The rain hasn't started yet, so I shall head out to the balcony for a cool shower and a lightning show like no other.

Come see a Mayapur storm. You won't be disappointed.