So last night I was listening to a bit of non-devotional music. I know, gasp horror tsk tsk. I'm in Mayapur, it almost feels against one of the regulative principals to be playing anything but Krsna-conscious music, but perhaps I just wanted to hear something that reminded me of NZ.
Actually all week I've been feeling a bit homesick and looking forward to going back in March. I felt like a traitor thinking that - how many people would kill to be in my place right now!? Don't get me wrong though, its not that I can't handle it here and I hate it and want to go home, in fact quite the opposite, I want to stay here, I love it... I'm just looking forward to going home as well.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just "trying it out". Being a devotee I mean. Sometimes things work for me, sometimes they don't and I just take the things i like and go with that. But thats not the rules... if you want to go back home to Krsna and get out of this material world in THIS lifetime, you have to give it your all or not. Sure you can make some advancement by offering inscense and a flower to a photo of Krsna every day, but how much if, at the same time, you go down to the pub every night for a beer or two? Ah what am I talking about... I'm no expert. And being in Mayapur I can pretend I'm a PD (Pure Devotee), but Krsna knows really whats in my heart.
I'm not going to lie. I miss the convenience and ease of being in NZ, I miss just hanging out Jen and the kids at her house or mine, or cooking in my own kitchen at home. God knows I REALLY miss dancing 2-3 times a week and knowing that the supermarket will be open and have what I want if I go at midnight. I miss the 'normal' weather and (don't shoot me) I miss the tv shows I regularly watch in the evenings. All of these things, plus more, I cant wait to go back to next year.
And when I go back, I'll miss the sound of the conch and then the bell faintly coming in through my window and biking to the Jagannath Mandir every dvadasi. I'll miss going down to the Ganga to cool off every day and popping over to Nimais and getting frustrated because he STILL doesn't have any cream in stock. I'll miss arguing with the tailor over an unreasonable price (probably the difference of Rs10!) and being able to see Radha Madhava and Pancha Tattva anytime I want.
So how to have best of both worlds?
Not possible Mataji. When in Mayapur, you are missing NZ. When in NZ, you are missing Mayapur. You know which is the "right" place to be, the best place to be pushed up your devotional path easily and in a way that comes naturally.... But are you ready for that yet? You may not have a choice.
Not making any sense to you? Nor to me either.
i feel your every word...
ReplyDelete(if I understand all a right ... )
ReplyDeleteGoing back to Godhead has far less to do with trying and far more to do with love. That's why Krsna accepts even a simple leaf or water as an offering from his devotee, because it is the love in the offering that he relishes most. And love (Him) you certainly do.
... with that in your heart, I'm sure you'll go there soon enough.
Me too eventually I hope, though a little after you I'd guess. Better late than never though eh?