Death

I stumbled across some horrific images online the other day, of dead bodies after a crime - suicide, murder, car crashes and so on. I'm not even sure how I came upon the site, and in fact as soon as I saw what it was, a voice in the back of my head told me to close it down, close it down. But it was one of those things, I just couldn't tear my eyes away from the horror. Some photos there was no blood, and the person seemed like they were just sleeping - until you saw a limb 20m away from the body. Other photos there was blood everywhere and it was hard to determine where the body actually was. And some images even had close-up shot of the exact damage if it was really severe. I won't begin to explain, you'll get nightmares.

Because I did. Ever since then all I can think about is what if I die some horrific death and end up like one of those bodies? Its not something I think about much, I've always though t I'd just deal with it when it came. Idealistically I imagined living until I was an old grandma, and being on my deathbed surrounded by photos of Krsna, tulasi around my neck, a Prabhupada japa recording playing in the background, or kirtan. Surrounded by everything that will ensure the last thing I think of in my last breath would be that smiling blue boy playing his sweet flute.

But who am I kidding, that kind of death is a special one. Most probably I'll get some sort of disease that will have me lying in a cold sterile hospital bed, or I'll choke on a puchka and die a slow painful death on the Mayapur road-side. Hey, at least I'll be in the dhama right?

Enough, enough of the morbid thoughts. This post is turning out to be a bit dark I know, and I'm sorry. I guess seeing those images really jolted me into thinking about how I'm going to go, and that in actual fact it could be anytime, anywhere.

So how can I ensure that even if I DO die from a fatal car accident, I can remember Krsna at the time of death? Is there even a way to ensure that? The thought of taking birth again here is horrifying, especially as I see Kali-Yuga rapidly progressing right in front of my eyes. I have to make the most of the knowledge I was given in this lifetime. If I were to die tomorrow, would I be prepared? Would I be pleased with the progress in Krsna Consciousness that I had made up until that point?

I must keep reminding myself that death could be around any corner.

NZ and Mayapur

So last night I was listening to a bit of non-devotional music. I know, gasp horror tsk tsk. I'm in Mayapur, it almost feels against one of the regulative principals to be playing anything but Krsna-conscious music, but perhaps I just wanted to hear something that reminded me of NZ.

Actually all week I've been feeling a bit homesick and looking forward to going back in March. I felt like a traitor thinking that - how many people would kill to be in my place right now!? Don't get me wrong though, its not that I can't handle it here and I hate it and want to go home, in fact quite the opposite, I want to stay here, I love it... I'm just looking forward to going home as well.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just "trying it out". Being a devotee I mean. Sometimes things work for me, sometimes they don't and I just take the things i like and go with that. But thats not the rules... if you want to go back home to Krsna and get out of this material world in THIS lifetime, you have to give it your all or not. Sure you can make some advancement by offering inscense and a flower to a photo of Krsna every day, but how much if, at the same time, you go down to the pub every night for a beer or two? Ah what am I talking about... I'm no expert. And being in Mayapur I can pretend I'm a PD (Pure Devotee), but Krsna knows really whats in my heart.

I'm not going to lie. I miss the convenience and ease of being in NZ, I miss just hanging out Jen and the kids at her house or mine, or cooking in my own kitchen at home. God knows I REALLY miss dancing 2-3 times a week and knowing that the supermarket will be open and have what I want if I go at midnight. I miss the 'normal' weather and (don't shoot me) I miss the tv shows I regularly watch in the evenings. All of these things, plus more, I cant wait to go back to next year.

And when I go back, I'll miss the sound of the conch and then the bell faintly coming in through my window and biking to the Jagannath Mandir every dvadasi. I'll miss going down to the Ganga to cool off every day and popping over to Nimais and getting frustrated because he STILL doesn't have any cream in stock. I'll miss arguing with the tailor over an unreasonable price (probably the difference of Rs10!) and being able to see Radha Madhava and Pancha Tattva anytime I want.

So how to have best of both worlds?

Not possible Mataji. When in Mayapur, you are missing NZ. When in NZ, you are missing Mayapur. You know which is the "right" place to be, the best place to be pushed up your devotional path easily and in a way that comes naturally.... But are you ready for that yet? You may not have a choice.

Not making any sense to you? Nor to me either.

Flower arrangements (Pt 2)

So I had my third and last weekend of flower arranging. (Read about the first weekend here) This weekend was interesting, there were so many things I was thinking about, and then thinking about the results of those things I was thinking about, and then not happy with what could happen if I think that way, so trying to quickly change my thinking so I wouldn't get unpleasant results.... PHEW I don't blame you if you don't understand me!

I was so pleased with my last efforts of making the vases. Although on the first day I'd been unsure of what I was doing (and it showed in the vases!), by the second day, and then the weekend after that, I felt like a natural, like this was MY service for the weekend and I was good at it.

Saturday morning I started late, can't remember exactly why. I probably slept through my alarm again. I collected the foliage to use and headed to the temple. Somehow though, when it came time to put the vases together, nothing was working. I had a good amount of flowers and leaves, I had fresh new oasis, I had a decent amount of time... so what was wrong? Nothing was sitting right and nothing was looking good, what was going wrong?

And forewarning there was not happy ending. The end result was a pretty hotch potch job, and certainly not fitting for Lord Caitanya. And to make matters worse the other mataji who makes the larger arrangements (whos work I often judge, and compare with my vases) had done an incredible job. I'm not just saying that, the pujaris commented how amazing hers were! She'd picked yellow bird-of-paradise flowers, violet coloured flowers and other greenery, and the vases were really a fresh burst of colour compared to my dowdy flops.

If I was Mahaprabhu I would've taken one look at my arrangements when they were placed and kicked them off the altar. Seriously, they were that bad.

That'd teach me for making myself right at home in the pujari room and thinking I was so great at the job.

When my alarm went off at 4.30am on Sunday morning, I was nervous. I'd given myself a little more time to collect the greenery, cuz I really didn't want to screw it up this time. It would be the last day I'd be doing this service, and who knows if I could ever do it again. Better get it right.

I found a row the beautiful bright orange bird-of-paradise flowers. Perfect. Yellow plants with long thin leaves and thick stems. Perfect. Long stems of small white flowers. Perfect. Large bright fronds from a coconut tree. Perfect. Long thin leaves from the hedge on the way to the temple. Perfect.

And they turned out fabulous. If I do say so myself. Well, better than yesterday at least. They were a little small for my liking, but otherwise well balanced, colourful, pretty. Me like.

I was sad that this would be the last time I would be doing this service. As much as I'm a night owl, I enjoy the early morning mist while I collected greenery, the busyness of the pujari room as the devotees dress Panca Tattva. The nervousness of whether the vases will turn out okay. Will I be able to do this again soon? At least I finished the last day with beautiful vases.

Secretly I was a little pleased because the mataji who does the larger arrangements didnt completely re-do her vases. She simply pulled out the yellow and purple flowers and pushed in a few stems of white flowers, which meant mine were more colourful. But wait!! I realised I was gloating in my success and actually glad hers weren't as nice as mine. Krsna will never let me do the vases again!. I can't think like that! "Her vases are beautiful."

Phew. Dodged that one. Gotta be careful how I think.

That afternoon, I was asked if I could cover for someone and do the vases Monday morning too. Krsna fulfills all desires... wasn't I just wondering when the next day would be? I was excited... one more day! I don't know how I can beat yesterdays vases, but I get to do it one more day!!!

I'm not exactly sure why, but I walked a different route around the compound this morning to collect the foliage - via the small road that leads to the goshala. I'm glad I did - I found long thin toi tois and red bird-of-paradise flowers. I was set. And while I was humming away making the arrangements this morning, I didn't judge mataji's large arrangements. I didn't compare mine with hers, I didn't secretly smile that I had found toi tois and she just had boring white flowers. I just kept my head down and put together the arrangements.

Although they are larger than I've ever done since I've been doing this service, they are by far my favorite. It helps of course, that they matched the colour of Pancha Tattva's outfit today.

Photographs of Mahaprabhu by Muralidhara Priya das

So when can I do it again?

Things I love

* Tulasi plants grow almost wild everywhere.

* Sometimes there is harinam right outside your window and no one calls noise control.

* Seeing a family of four on a bicycle and not even blinking an eye.

* You can accept food given to you by strangers, because you know it wont have meat, fish or eggs.

* Instead of dressing up and pretending to be a gopi like we did when we were young, now we actually do get to dress up in a sari every day.

* Every house has an altar. (As opposed to a television set.)

* There is no need for a car. Or the costs of maintaining a car.

* Practically every day is a festival.

* Krsna is everywhere. Everywhere.

Srila Prabhupada

Ok so I had a dream about Srila Prabhupada last night. As dreams usually are, it was weird and mis-matched and strange... but he was there. I've often wondered what it would be like to be in the presence of Srila Prabhupada, and stories that older devotees have always intrigue me. I'm not sure if this particular dream meant anything... but in any case I got a small glimpse of what it was like. I wish it didn't end when it did.

At first the strangest thing was that I felt like I was about 8 or 10 years old. I was in some sort of room, with lots of people singing and dancing, and there was arati going on. I'm not sure who we were worshiping, but out attention was focused toward the small vyasasan with a picture frame on it. Srila Prabhupada was doing the arati, and he was offering the flowers. I was facing Prabhupada, rather than the picture frame, and I wasn't singing and chating with everyone else. I was just mesmerised watching Sripa Prabhupada. He was offering with such sincerity, such devotion, like I have never seen before.

He finished offering the flowers, threw a few towards the vyasasan and picture frame, and then looked straight at me. I didn't do anything. He beckoned with his head, holding the flowers in my direction. I went up to him and held my hand out for the flowers. He put the pink and red roses in my hand, and then took my thumb and gave it a pinch and a little shake. I looked up at him and he had a hug grin on his face, like he was teasing me in some way.

I went back to my position sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of him, a little further away than before. By this time there was no kirtan, in fact no one in the room other than just Srila Prabhupada and myself.

And then, as random as dreams can be, all of a sudden everything disappeared. It looked like something similar to a backdrop for a drama being dropped to the ground - everything just collapsed and Prabhupada was gone. I was stuck on a mountainside, 3 metres deep in snow, and sitting in a wrecked car.

In front of me I saw petals of pink and red roses, tumbling along the snow in the wind.